Here's the thing.... I didn't get to hear my baby cry, I never felt a breath from his mouth. I didn't get to hear him giggle, or learn his personality. I didn't get to nurse him in the middle of the night or change his diapers. I didn't get to dress him in cute little outfits or learn about his likes/dislikes. I did however get to hold him, I got to snuggle him, I got to name him. I got to love him and be with him for a short while. He is my baby, and always will be. So why can't I share his story? I know I shouldn't have to mention this, but if you don't have anything nice to say about our story, don't say anything at all.
Thomas Kyrum Nelson was born Aug.7, 2013 at 10:29 am stillborn.
On Friday August.2nd I had a doctor's appointment in Wenatchee WA. It was a consultation appointment to hopefully do a VBAC there in Wenatchee. Our baby had a strong heartbeat and everything seemed great. On Tuesday August.6th I went in for for my 38 week appointment here in Moses Lake where we live. The night previous I slept awful. That morning I felt a bit crampy, but it didn't hurt. I just figured it was normal pregnancy pains. I had also noticed I hadn't felt baby move in a while, but again wasn't too concerned. Babies tend to slow down their movement towards the end anyway, and just sometimes aren't as active. When I was pregnant with the twins there were long periods I didn't feel them moving much.
I told the doctor, and he didn't seem too concerned either, basically said what I had been thinking. Near the end he got out the doppler to listen to baby's heart beat. He tried and tried for a good solid two or three minutes and couldn't find a heartbeat. He told me that the baby must be hiding today or that maybe the baby had flipped and wasn't head down anymore. He said they would do an ultrasound. He left the room, and I started crying, but forced myself to stop, telling myself I was being dramatic and that everything was fine. Of course they would find the heartbeat with the ultrasound. I couldn't shake my uneasy feeling though. Doctor came back and we headed to the ultrasound room. About 5 seconds into ultrasound i just knew something was wrong. After 30 seconds or so he told me he had bad news and that their was no heartbeat. I started bawling.
Thomas was at work in Ephrata, (1/2 hr away) i called him and told him they couldn't find a heartbeat and told him to come right now....I went to do another ultra sound to get radiologist opinion. I already knew though......
We decided to do a c-section asap. We got it scheduled and had to be at hospital the next morning at 7. After getting home, Thomas and I both couldn't stop crying all night long. I would try to keep it in but it didn't work for any longer than 30 seconds. How could this be happening? What did I do wrong? What if I had noticed sooner that he wasn't moving? What could have possibly caused it? I am healthy, young, no complications. He had been healthy and growing great the whole way through. Did he suffer?
We started making phone calls.... it was awful having to relive it over and over again, and say it out loud to everyone. I called my sister, Teija, first.... (since my parents are in the Philippines). It was so hard, but it was also nice to feel the love from everyone and know that they were there for me. Teija was at my other sister's in Rexburg helping her because she just had twin girls. Teija left there with her five kids, drove to Boise that night, and her and my brother Ezra came from Boise the next day (Thursday). I don't know what I would have done without them.
Thank heavens for Kasen and Layton. They were being such good happy little boys. That helped distract us a bit, at least for a few seconds. They kept asking, "Mom you sad?" and I would tell them yes, momma is sad, or they would ask "momma be happy?" and I would just tell them no, momma is not happy right now.
After calling family, we called our bishop. I don't remember who or when it was but someone mentioned something about a funeral. A funeral? The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I really had to bury my own child? The whole first day/evening I cried and cried. The bishopric came over and talked with us, and gave Thomas and I a blessing. It was a huge comfort and help, but of course I still bawled all night. Didn't fall asleep till close to one, and woke up multiple times crying, before getting up at 5:45. It was the most draining thing. I kept thinking about seeing my baby for the first time, and holding him, yet knowing that he would not be alive. The tears just never stopped.
We took the boys to the bishop's house the next morning and his wife and daughters watched the boys that day. After getting to the hospital, and trying not to have a melt down every two minutes, one of the nurses mentioned that there was a photographer in town who is part of an organization called, "Now I lay me down to sleep" and she did pictures for free for those in our situation. We accepted the offer. Her name was Julie Waite. Julie was our angel that day. After finding out she was a member of our church, it was that much more meaningful. She took pictures of our precious baby and was there for me all day. She was amazing, and we will be forever grateful that the Lord put her in our lives that day. She was definitely one of the many miracles we have been given while going through this trial.
Of course I was emotional all morning, but then they did the surgery, and I caught a tiny glimpse of my son to my left. I lost it. After 38 weeks of anticipation of the arrival of our little baby, the time had come to meet him, but it would be the first and one of the last times, I ever got to hold him in this life. I can't write down and describe the pain I felt when they brought him to me, it's still too vivid.
Throughout the day I got to hold him and snuggle him as much as I wanted. Thomas have him a name and a blessing. It was so beautiful. We said our last goodbye that evening. Of course there are many more details, but this is where i'm deciding to end my sharing. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I won't lie, it's painful, it hurts, I want my baby, but I also know that he is happy. I know he was perfect. He only needed a body, and now he is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. We have so much to be grateful for and have been given so much. To each of you who have sent mail, wrote messages, made phone calls, brought dinners, prayed, fasted and thought of us over the last couple of weeks, we are so so so grateful for you.
Families are forever. I know this. After experiencing the loss of my baby I feel the urge more than ever to share what I know. I want everyone to have the knowledge that I do. It's makes it so that when incredibly hard things come our way, we know it's part of our Heavenly Father's plan. I know that my Savior lives. I know I will feel whole again when I see my son. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, is His church, and the only true church on this earth. It has been restored here for us. Families can be together forever. We have a living prophet on the earth today, his name is Thomas S Monson. To those of you reading this who are not members of my church. Ask me about it. I want to share it with you. Truly. I mean it, I want to share it with YOU. Please search your hearts and learn more about His gospel. It is the only way to find true happiness in this life.
A dear friend of mine shared this quote with me.
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching and that generally entails discomfort and pain.” -Richard G. Scott.
Our perfect little Thomas Kyrum..........