Monday, August 26, 2013

Little Thomas

Here's the thing.... I didn't get to hear my baby cry, I never felt a breath from his mouth. I didn't get to hear him giggle, or learn his personality. I didn't get to nurse him in the middle of the night or change his diapers. I didn't get to dress him in cute little outfits or learn about his likes/dislikes. I did however get to hold him, I got to snuggle him, I got to name him. I got to love him and be with him for a short while. He is my baby, and always will be. So why can't I share his story? I know I shouldn't have to mention this, but if you don't have anything nice to say about our story, don't say anything at all.

Thomas Kyrum Nelson was born Aug.7, 2013 at 10:29 am stillborn.
On Friday August.2nd I had a doctor's appointment in Wenatchee WA. It was a consultation appointment to hopefully do a VBAC there in Wenatchee. Our baby had a strong heartbeat and everything seemed great. On Tuesday August.6th I went in for for my 38 week appointment here in Moses Lake where we live. The night previous I slept awful. That morning I felt a bit crampy, but it didn't hurt. I just figured it was normal pregnancy pains. I had also noticed I hadn't felt baby move in a while, but again wasn't too concerned. Babies tend to slow down their movement towards the end anyway, and just sometimes aren't as active. When I was pregnant with the twins there were long periods I didn't feel them moving much.

I told the doctor, and he didn't seem too concerned either, basically said what I had been thinking. Near the end he got out the doppler to listen to baby's heart beat. He tried and tried for a good solid two or three minutes and couldn't find a heartbeat. He told me that the baby must be hiding today or that maybe the baby had flipped and wasn't head down anymore. He said they would do an ultrasound. He left the room, and I started crying, but forced myself to stop, telling myself I was being dramatic and that everything was fine. Of course they would find the heartbeat with the ultrasound. I couldn't shake my uneasy feeling though. Doctor came back and we headed to the ultrasound room. About 5 seconds into ultrasound i just knew something was wrong. After 30 seconds or so he told me he had bad news and that their was no heartbeat. I started bawling.

Thomas was at work in Ephrata, (1/2 hr away) i called him and told him they couldn't find a heartbeat and told him to come right now....I went to do another ultra sound to get radiologist opinion. I already knew though......

We decided to do a c-section asap. We got it scheduled and had to be at hospital the next morning at 7. After getting home, Thomas and I both couldn't stop crying all night long. I  would try to keep it in but it didn't work for any longer than 30 seconds. How could this be happening? What did I do wrong? What if I had noticed sooner that he wasn't moving? What could have possibly caused it? I am healthy, young, no complications. He had been healthy and growing great the whole way through. Did he suffer?
 
We started making phone calls.... it was awful having to relive it over and over again, and say it out loud to everyone. I called my sister, Teija, first.... (since my parents are in the Philippines). It was so hard, but it was also nice to feel the love from everyone and know that they were there for me. Teija was at my other sister's in Rexburg helping her because she just had twin girls. Teija left there with her five kids, drove to Boise that night, and her and my brother Ezra came from Boise the next day (Thursday). I don't know what I would have done without them.
 
Thank heavens for Kasen and Layton. They were being such good happy little boys. That helped distract us a bit, at least for a few seconds. They kept asking, "Mom you sad?" and I would tell them yes, momma is sad, or they would ask "momma be happy?" and I would just tell them no, momma is not happy right now.
 
After calling family, we called our bishop. I don't remember who or when it was but someone mentioned something about a funeral. A funeral? The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I really had to bury my own child? The whole first day/evening I cried and cried. The bishopric came over and talked with us, and gave Thomas and I a blessing. It was a huge comfort and help, but of course I still bawled all night. Didn't fall asleep till close to one, and woke up multiple times crying, before getting up at 5:45. It was the most draining thing. I kept thinking about seeing my baby for the first time, and holding him, yet knowing that he would not be alive. The tears just never stopped.
 
We took the boys to the bishop's house the next morning and his wife and daughters watched the boys that day. After getting to the hospital, and trying not to have a melt down every two minutes, one of the nurses mentioned that there was a photographer in town who is part of an organization called, "Now I lay me down to sleep" and she did pictures for free for those in our situation. We accepted the offer. Her name was Julie Waite. Julie was our angel that day. After finding out she was a member of our church, it was that much more meaningful. She took pictures of our precious baby and was there for me all day. She was amazing, and we will be forever grateful that the Lord put her in our lives that day. She was definitely one of the many miracles we have been given while going through this trial.
 
Of course I was emotional all morning, but then they did the surgery, and I caught a tiny glimpse of my son to my left. I lost it. After 38 weeks of anticipation of the arrival of our little baby, the time had come to meet him, but it would be the first and one of the last times, I ever got to hold him in this life. I can't write down and describe the pain I felt when they brought him to me, it's still too vivid.
 
Throughout the day I got to hold him and snuggle him as much as I wanted. Thomas have him a name and a blessing. It was so beautiful. We said our last goodbye that evening. Of course there are many more details, but this is where i'm deciding to end my sharing. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I won't lie, it's painful, it hurts, I want my baby, but I also know that he is happy. I know he was perfect. He only needed a body, and now he is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. We have so much to be grateful for and have been given so much. To each of you who have sent mail, wrote messages, made phone calls, brought dinners, prayed, fasted and thought of us over the last couple of weeks, we are so so so grateful for you.
 
Families are forever. I know this. After experiencing the loss of my baby I feel the urge more than ever to share what I know. I want everyone to have the knowledge that I do. It's makes it so that when incredibly hard things come our way, we know it's part of our Heavenly Father's plan. I know that my Savior lives. I know I will feel whole again when I see my son. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, is His church, and the only true church on this earth. It has been restored here for us. Families can be together forever. We have a living prophet on the earth today, his name is Thomas S Monson. To those of you reading this who are not members of my church. Ask me about it. I want to share it with you. Truly. I mean it, I want to share it with YOU. Please search your hearts and learn more about His gospel. It is the only way to find true happiness in this life.
 
 
A dear friend of mine shared this quote with me.
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching and that generally entails discomfort and pain.” -Richard G. Scott.
 
 
 Our perfect little Thomas Kyrum..........
 
 














 
 
 
 





 


 

 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 


23 comments:

garnergab said...

Kayla and Thomas, Thank you for sharing this. The pictures are so precious. What a beautiful little baby. We wish we could take away the pain! From here on out your heart will be more tender, you will be more compassionate and loving, more grateful for the little things. And you will smile again. Families are forever! We love you so much, think about you often and prayer for you daily. Laura and Chuck

april willard said...

OH Kayla, He is soo beautiful, he looks so much like the twins! Precious precious boy! The last pictures reminds me so much of my baby brother I remember those purple lips the most. Please remember I'm here for anything you might need like talking or crying or distracting I'm so glad I was able to meet you before you moved. Your a beautiful strong daughter of our heavenly father and I have learned from your courage and strength Thank you!!

Ashley said...

Your words are beautiful. Made me cry to hear about and then see what you are going through. so glad you got such great pictures of your beautiful baby! Thank you for sharing such a sacred/hard part of your life. I love you and think of you often!

Trina said...

What a beautiful boy! I too remember my sweet Samuel his passing change our lives. Everything is about the eternal nature of our lives. How we react to mortal situations are all based in how it affect the eternal out come. You will now be there for those who come in your life that will need the compassion as they have in my life! Thank you for sharing your experience! I am April Willard's Mom

Summer said...

Kayla-
Thank you for sharing your story. I remember those first few weeks being very hard but having many special and spiritual moments. Im so happy for you that you were able to get these beautiful photos. They will be a treasure to you always! I think of you often pray that you will continue to be comforted. Love Summer and Family

Rachel said...

My goodness, those pictures are incredible. I'm so glad someone was there to take those for you guys. They tell the story so vividly. Thank you for sharing them. We love you!

Jessica Hall said...

Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful testimony. These pictures are amazing and little Thomas is so very handsome. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. Love you girl!!!

Erin said...

Thank you very very much for sharing your beautiful yet heartbreaking story with us. Very profound. I am very happy that Julie from "Now I lay me down to sleep" was so very generous to grant you the peace of these first and last pictures of your beautiful son. May he rest in peace forever more. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, sending you a few hugs today. <3

Mary said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing those sweet pictures. He is perfect. I couldn't read through your story without tearing up. We are thinking and praying for you every day! Love you guys!!

Cameron Family said...

Kayla, you are all in our prayers. It takes a strong woman to go through this. Even not knowing you super well, I can tell you are a great mom to your little boys. I hope you will find peace through this. I'm praying you will have the strength while enduring this.

Teija said...

I love you!! and marvel at your strength! You are such an example to all of us. I am proud to call you my sister and one of my dearest friends.

Anonymous said...

Kayla, my heart breaks for you and your little family, I am in Awww of the courage you show. It makes me hold my dear ones a little bit closer tonight, I couldn't imagine having to go through losing one of them. All I can offer is my sincere love for you and pray for the Lord to strengthen you through this trial!! Love, Shauna and chad Johnson

Brian and Stacy said...

He is so, so perfect. Just the most precious little boy. I'm so glad Julie was there that day. I'm so glad you have the gospel. My heart is breaking for you. I'm also so grateful you have 2 at home to snuggle and kiss every night. We recently had some friends lose their baby to SIDS, and it was their first child. I wanted them to borrow mine to snuggle every night. I'm so sorry for your loss and we are keeping you in our prayers.

markanderton said...

Thanks for sharing these wonderful pictures and thoughts of little Thomas. He is a beautiful baby and so lucky to have you as his parents.

Heidi Fromm said...

Thomas and Kayla...you are in our thoughts and prayers daily...thanks for sharing such a beautiful story about your little Thomas. So wish I could give you a huge squeeze - love you and miss you guys!!

Photo's by Shan said...

My prayers go out for you, he's beautiful and perfect.

Amanda said...

Hi Kayla,
I'm Melissa Albertson's sister and I hope you dont mind that I creeped on your blog, but I heard about your story and it broke my heart. I had my third baby three months ago and I just cant even imagine the pain and heartache you are going through. The pictures are beautiful and touching and I cant think of a better way to document your precious Thomas' short time here on earth. I cried reading this post as it has touched me deeply. Your strength and understanding through this is such an example to me and I just wanted to let you know that. How blest you are to have such a wonderful, supportive and loving family during this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your little family at this time of sorrow and heartache.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I can only imagine how tough this was for the both of you. I have never had to bear what you have but your testimony is beautiful and has truly touched me. I hope that the pain will pass quickly. I too know tod has a plan for allnof us and I loved the quote you shared by elder Scott. My heart goes out to you guys and hope today brings more happiness.

Lindsey said...

What a beautiful, perfect angel. His sweet spirit glows through those pictures, i can feel the tenderness, the love. My prayers are with you. How grateful I am that families are eternal!

Marissa said...

You will be so happy that you wrote all this down. What a hard thing but I've been so impressed with both of your strength through it all and love you both so much. You are a wonderful family! Hope we get to see you next time under better circumstances but still- seeing you at all last week was wonderful. We miss you and are excited for you to move into the next chapter of your lives in a month or so.

laurel said...

Sweet Kayla~ I have something I wanted to share with you, it just can't wait until I see you next week. :)My phone is not working so I can't get to your phone number AND I misplaced your email address so I'm kinda stuck. Message me @ laurelanderton@gmail.com so I can get your email address. Thanks, sweet girl!

Emily said...

You don't know me, but I felt I needed to leave a comment to tell you how precious your little Thomas is. My heart aches for you and your family, and I send a special prayer your way. You already know this, but families are forever and you will hold your little Thomas in your arms once more. I don't know you ... but I love you.

Anonymous said...

wow I know to the photographer because my cousin is married to her brother and they are wonderful family I feel very blessed to have shared your pain and cried when i imagined this experience and to be reminded that families are forever in heaven. ...you are brave what beautiful pictures of this precious little boy....god be with you and your husband