Wednesday, August 7, 2019

August.7

August 7th, 2013 my baby boy born was born still.
Today is his birthday and I’m grieving the loss.
He would be 6 years old today. He’d be out with his brothers playing. He’d be reading books with Leah. He’d be excited about starting 1st grade, riding his bike like a pro, learning to swim, and tie his shoes.
Grief is a weird thing. It gets “easier” but never really heals or leaves, nor would I want it to. 
His birthday/day of loss is a day where I get to allow myself the time and space to feel all the things.
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This morning I enjoyed the quiet coolness outside and weeded the raspberries and picked up apples off the yard. When I came inside I felt prompted to come and read this book and I couldn’t believe how much I connected with it, especially after being in the garden all morning thinking about my little boy. I’d like to think he was with me in my quiet humming and thoughts.
This morning I told Leah “It’s Kyrums birthday today.” With a big smile she said, “Wow!! It’s my Kyrum’s birthday Momma?! Do we get to see him today?” I wish baby girl. I wish.
I believe families are forever and I can’t wait to see my little boy again one day.

That was my FB post yesterday.
Today it is the morning of August 8th. It is 6:10 am but my first class was a "no show" so I have the "Piano Guys" playing on pandora and I'm writing. Each year when I post on FB I always think of my intention behind each each post. I don't do it for likes or comments, in fact if not one person did either of those things I wouldn't care because it feels important to me.  It feels like i'm honoring him and remembering him and showing God's love, compassion, tender mercies, and eternal plan when I post on my little boy's birthday. 

This year felt a little bit "easier". That sounds wrong in a way to admit that out loud, but like I said earlier grief is a weird thing, when the memories are not as fresh the feelings aren't as new. It's still painful and I still cried of course. I always will, but it was a hole of darkness, or hopeless, my heart was a few ounces lighter, my mind was okay with distraction. I still miss him. Oh how I miss him and I wish so bad I could see him, hold him, teach him, love him, but I know that time will come and I will have that chance. It feels like a long time away right now, but I know this time on earth is as a blink of an eye, so I know in the grand scheme of things this will be but a small moment.

After spending the morning in the garden and getting the house cleaned and laundry done, I showered, we went to school lunch, then headed to Idaho Falls to go swimming at the Mesa Falls Apartments swimming pool. We swam, then headed to Walmart to get a new shower head and then i went to grocery pick up to get the rest of the groceries I had ordered.

August.7th is and always will be a hard day. I'm so grateful for the tender mercies and the experiences i've been able to have that have taught me to have more compassion and more love. I hope I can use the experiences I have had to help others.

I realize I haven't written down a lot from that day and I don't want to forget the memories either so I'm going to make a few bullet points of things I need to write down and remember
-Julie Waites
-Meeting the Adams family
-Mom and Dad coming from the Philippines
-Teija being there and supporting
-Ezra coming
-Funeral planning
-love from everyone
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