Well it's here. Today, you, my little sweet baby boy would have turned a year old. It's heart breaking to think about. I've had moments when I feel as if I'm re living that day. Tears come suddenly, memories flood my mind, and I want everyone to talk to me, hug me, let me cry all day long, but at the same time I don't want any of that. It's exhausting to cry and mourn, and sometimes I try to bypass it or avoid it, but then comes the feeling of guilt- like I'm forgetting you.
I won't ever forgot you. I think about you literally every single day, multiple times a day. You are part of our family. This morning I showed Kasen and Layton a picture of you, they ooohhed and ahhhed and said how cute you are, and that they miss you and love you.
Layton asked if you could come see us for "just ten minutes" cause "that would be so fun." He wanted to play "peek a boo" and "tickle monster". He always refers to you has his little baby brother. He is so good at making little kids happy, and I just know he would have been the BEST big brother to you, and he will, one day.
Sometimes when I cry Kasen asks if i'm sad about "baby Thomas" and I tell him yes, and he usually tells me that we "need to go see him". and then later on he when i' m happy he will say, "Mom are you happy now? Cause baby Thomas is ok?" and I hug him and tell him yes.
I know you are happy. I know you are perfect. As time goes on, it does get easier. But then milestones like today come and I can't help but miss you and wish you were here. I always wonder what you would have been like, I can't wait to find out all about your personality.
There is so much heartache that so many suffer from, but i'm the luckiest of them to know what I know and be able to find comfort and peace through it. I feel your spirit in our home everyday and know your watching out for us. I know you were needed in Heaven and that He is taking care of you.
You aunts and uncles and grandparents are the best of them. They miss you and wish you were here too. I'm so glad that they recognize and love you as part of our family. Kasen, Layton and I went to a Gwilliam family reunion last week and it was the best. You should know that some of your extended extended family also remembers you and wish you were here. Your great Aunt Jackie and Great Aunt Annie have taken particular concern for our little family, and I am so grateful for their love. I don't think they know what it means to me to have them remember you.
You would have been the cutest little boy. Your Daddy always comments about my hair yours. You had so many different colors in your hair as well. You had dark brown, light brown and even red highlights- just like me. We both picture you with dark hair, not lighter like you brothers. The night before mommy had you, Daddy had a dream about you. You were laughing and smiling while standing up with the help of the couch. I like to picture you like that.
A couple of weeks ago I put a baby picture of me when I was 6 months old in a little frame and put it up in the back room. Daddy said he had to do a double take because I looked JUST like you in the dream that he had. I love that he shares these things with me, because it helps me feel like you are more part of me. I'm sad that I haven't really had any vivid dreams of you. Usually, I'm just really pregnant and I have a baby, but I never see it, or someone brings me a different one that isn't mine.
I struggle to talk face to face to others and share my emotions, but I do like to write them down.
I miss you, but I hope others can find strength through our family and from our strength and testimony in the gospel. You have strengthened our family. I know our Savior lives and am so grateful for the plan of Salvation. I am also so glad to know that you are ok. I like to think that you miss all of us too (i'm sure you do).
Our sweet friend who took pictures of you put together a slideshow with music last year. It is something that I cherish deeply, but it is also impossible to keep it together through it. As the time passes I feel like my memories of you fade, but these beautiful pictures remind me and I'm grateful for that.
Love you bud,
Mommy, Daddy, Kasen and Layton